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I step onto your porch
To be faced with
My own unsettled eyes
Through the smashed window
Of your busted home
They stare right back at me
As if they couldn't confront
The one's there before
YOURS
Yours were there
Screaming, "I need your help!"
As they looked into
The face of the cataloged

Now I AM here,
But with implausible feat.
How far would they go?
The people who hold the power
Who film the future
They possess only one policy:
DENY EVERYTHING

That isn't the car that holds
These stubs that lay in its tray.
They aren't the ones they drag.
As the paper burns
To reveal the ash
And the faces that follow
They aren't the ones to spy
They don't take
They don't kill
They don't cover up
They just deny
©2009-2010 *ifimissed
:iconifimissed:

Author's Comments

#32 of the X Collection - Orange

the cigerette smoking man is a bastard most times.

EDIT: added a few puctuation and switch a word or two around. I may end up doing it again.

Critiques


:iconvex0r:
Intriguing, as always. I really like your word choice. "Busted" stands out as a word that just really belongs in that first stanza when you could have used any number of other synonyms that just would not have done the job.

Capital letters? Nice touch. "DENY EVERYTHING" - now tell us how you really feel. ;)

The more I read this piece, combing for errors, the more it grows on me. It just has a really cool, mysterious, dystopian atmosphere to it. The only issue I take with it is I feel like you just drop off on a few thoughts. "Now I AM here / But with implausible feat / How far would they go?" Without punctuation on that second line, it's difficult to tell whether it should be coupled with the first line or the third. I'm not entirely sure what it's saying as written.

The other one is "That isn't the car that holds / These stubs that lay / In its tray that / Aren't the ones they drag / As the paper burns..." That whole sequence is kind of muddy. It makes sense up until "Aren't the ones they drag", and then I lose track of the thought. It's not so bad that I lose the message of your piece, but I'd definitely consider giving it a second look.

I'm really sorry it's taken me so long to get to this! I'm in a life-spanning rut at the moment and everything is getting done very, very slowly. Nice work, as always!
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:iconvex0r:
Much clearer! This is such a cool piece. :)

--
Embrace this moment. Remember: we are eternal. All this pain is an illusion.
:iconabbystabbedme:
Pretty sweet last line, but I dont like the repitition of "they dont" 3 times before it. Haha oh well. I'm so used to workshopping poems from my creative writing class so these notes may sound a bit rude. Sorry!
:iconifimissed:
Not being rude at all....these are the thing I thrive on.

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August 3, 2009
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